Respected sister, we empathize with you and make duʿāʾ that Allah ﷻ softens the hearts of the family members and grants you the ability to move past the trauma that is affecting you. Āmīn.

Backbiting is typically defined as mentioning something about a person in their absence that they would dislike had they found out.^[1] While backbiting is a major sin, there are select exclusions made from the general rule. In your case, you are allowed to disclose, to the extent needed, the ill actions of your family members to a therapist for the purpose of seeking help to overcome your trauma. For example, you do not need to mention names, but you can be vague and mention family members generally, similar to how you mentioned in your question; the main distinction is that only what is essential to fulfill the purpose may be said, and nothing beyond that should be mentioned regarding identification. You may also discuss with a trusted elder if you feel that they may be able to help resolve the issues and bring closure.^[2]

Otherwise, you should not disclose the ill actions of any wrongdoer without valid need. This will not help you or the other family members and may increase the harm. If a person continues to go around speaking to others of the abuse or oppression that they faced, they will find it even more difficult to let go and move on. It is also likely that the wrongdoer will continue or even increase their ill actions when they find out that this person is telling others of their wrongdoing. Rather, focus on discussing the matter with those who are trained in helping you heal.

The feelings of the heart are things that we have no control over. We are however in control of our actions. Once a group came to the Prophet ﷺ and expressed that they have inclinations towards such actions that they are hesitant to even mention due to their gravity. Upon confirmation that they abhor those actions and would not dare to act upon the feelings in their hearts, the Prophet ﷺ remarked:

ذاك صريح الإيمان
That is a clear indication of strong faith (Abu Dawud)

While you are working towards healing from the trauma, remember that the feelings of our hearts may not be in our control at times, but we are still accountable of our actions. Hence, it is reasonable that you may want to distance yourself from abusive family members, but it is similarly unreasonable to completely cut ties from those that have right upon you of keeping said ties joined. This does not necessitate that you frequently engage with them; however, if you see them, you should make salaam, even if not followed by a longer conversation.

Additionally, while sadness may overcome you at times, find solace through ṣabr (patience), tawakkul (reliance on Allah ﷻ) and duʿāʾ. When everything else may fail us, Allah ﷻ is Ever-Present, All-Knowing, All-Wise. Remember that Allah ﷻ is aware of one’s struggles, and He rewards everyone for their tests. Ensure that your duʿāʾ is rooted in conviction and keep the expectation that Allah’s ﷻ help will certainly arrive. The Prophet ﷺ once mentioned that Allah ﷻ tells us:

أَنَا عِنْدَ ظَنِّ عَبْدِي بِي
I will be with My servants in accordance to their expectations of Me (Bukhari)

The Prophets عليهم الصلاة والتسليم were abused by their families, verbally, emotionally, financially, and even physically. Remember, the pain you feel was also felt by the Prophets عليهم الصلاة والتسليم and those that came before us. The Prophet ﷺ was once asked about the category of people that suffered most. He ﷺ responded saying:

الأَنْبِيَاءُ ثُمَّ الأَمْثَلُ فَالأَمْثَلُ يُبْتَلَى الْعَبْدُ عَلَى حَسَبِ دِينِهِ فَإِنْ كَانَ فِي دِينِهِ صُلْبًا اشْتَدَّ بَلاَؤُهُ وَإِنْ كَانَ فِي دِينِهِ رِقَّةٌ ابْتُلِيَ عَلَى حَسَبِ دِينِهِ فَمَا يَبْرَحُ الْبَلاَءُ بِالْعَبْدِ حَتَّى يَتْرُكَهُ يَمْشِي عَلَى الأَرْضِ وَمَا عَلَيْهِ مِنْ خَطِيئَةٍ
The Prophets, then the next best and the next best. A person is tested according to his religious commitment. If he is steadfast in his religious commitment, he will be tested more severely, and if he is frail in his religious commitment, his test will be according to his commitment. Trials will continue to afflict a person until they leave him walking on the earth with no sin on him. (Ibn Majah)

Difficulties can be a pathway to getting closer to Allah ﷻand increasing in one’s position in the Hereafter. Let the pain that you feel fuel your hope in Allah’s ﷻ mercy. Perhaps it may be the patience we displayed in our difficult times that grants us acceptance in the court of Allah ﷻ.

Lastly, we advise that alongside your duʿāʾ, you should seek counseling from a trusted Muslim therapist to overcome your trauma,

And Allah knows best.

Mawlana Ammar Ahmed
Student, Darul Iftaa Chicago

Reviewed and approved

Mufti Abrar Mirza
Head Mufti, Darul Iftaa Chicago